I used to take my husband as a “demon”

23 Dec

My name is Zhang Yuhua; I’m 56 years old and a retired worker from YInan County Distillery. I gave up Falun Gong seven years ago and since then, I had never talked about my obsession with a cult. But several days ago I received a tabloid from Minghui Online and it propagandized about the benefits of practicing Falun Gong by saying that the Dafa disciples had been better persons and enjoyed happy family life since then started to practice it. At reading these lies, I couldn’t help my anger. So I decided to tell others what had happened to me so that people would know the truth and terrible consequences of being crazy about Falun Gong.

I used to be so obsessed with Falun Gong that I took my husband as a “demon” interfering with my cultivation and almost killed him for that.

All started in 1998. I had suffered slipped spinal discs for a long time and found no cure to it. I heard people said that Falun Gong was an effective solution to all diseases and decided to give it a try. After six-month practicing, my pains relieved greatly and I was convinced. I had no idea at that time that what actually worked was qigong and exercises, that doing exercises would gradually restore protruded spinal discs. Instead, I believed that it was Falun Gong that created the miracle.

Since then, I had been greatly grateful to Li Hongzhi and began to read his Zhuan Falun. Li said that the root of all human diseases was “karma” and illness was a natural result of the bad things a patient had done before, that to practice Falun Gong was the only way to remove “karma”, illness, and pain. To make things better, Master would also “clean the body” of practitioners so that they would be illness-free and immune to all hurts and pains. I felt so lucky and thought to myself: to practice Falun Gong could build up my health and could make me an immortal; that’s a rare chance and I must treasure it. So I made up my mind to stick to Falun Gong and to follow all the instructions of Li Hongzhi, the “leading Buddha in universe”, without any doubt ever again.

Getting more and more obsessed with Falun Gong, I didn’t care about my kid and husband any more and had no time to cook for them. Back then, my kid was at senior high school and, as a mother, I should have took good care of him. But all I wanted at that time was my “cultivation” and I would usually hurry to the local market for food ready to serve and gave it to my son, who needed good nutrition for his health as a teen. To make things worse, in order to send forth righteous thoughts, I had no time to get even ready food for my son and sometime he had to go to school with an empty stomach. As time went by, both my son and my husband became angry at me. My husband talked to me several times and said I couldn’t do this to our son. As a mother, I felt guilty at hearing his accusation; but at the thought of the words by Li Hongzhi, such as “when you finally make it, all your relatives will be beings in your heavenly world”, “If you succeed in cultivating into a great god or a great Buddha. Will you have such a power? Of course, let alone save your relatives, you will be able to hold the earth in your palm with no effort at all”, I felt no remorse at all; on the contrary, I felt complacent instead, for I believed that what I was doing would bring blessings to my son. I kept practicing Falun Gong and ignored the reproach of my husband.

When Chinese government banned Falun Gong as a cult in 1999, my husband told me: “I had this feeling a long time ago; you practitioners care for nobody but themselves, and this is not right. I believe the government would see to it sooner or later. Now I know I was right at that time.” Hearing his slander on Falun Gong, I felt furious. With this and the protest of my fellow against the government on banning Falun Gong, I decided to go to Tian’anmen Square to distribute publicization materials and to help more people understand the “truth”. After I was gone, my husband searched everywhere for me, for he knew his wife had never stepped out of this city before. I learned it later that, my husband hardly slept during seven days while I’d gone to Beijing, searching all the places he thought I might have been. But at that time, I thought my husband was as evil as the government treating good people wrongly and unjustly. When I was detained by local authority for distributing materials against the law, my husband tried all means to make me give it up. But being affected by the heretical idea believing that “all interfering with Fa study are demons” by Li Hongzhi, I took my husband as an obstacle on my road of cultivation. When local government gave me a second chance and sent me back home, instead of being grateful to the leniency of the authority and taking the opportunity to mend the damaged relationship with my husband, I tried my best to fight against both the government and my husband for not allowing me to practice Falun Gong.

At learning that I kept distributing in secret the promotion materials in favor of Falun Gong, my husband said to me: “Since the government has banned Falun Gong as a cult, you’re violating the law by doing this. Even if you are not afraid of going to jail, please think of our son and me. With you here at home, our family is complete; without you, it will be broken and so will be the hearts of our boy and me. By the way, this is his last year in high school and our son is at the most critical moment in the life. As his parents, even if we don’t give him much support, at least we can’t hold him back and be his burden. You say you want to be a better person by practicing Falun Gong, but look, you can’t even take good care of your own kid, will that make you a better person?” At hearing his words, I had the feeing that I didn’t do the right thing and should have supported my son when he worked so hard for the college entrance examination. So I restrained myself a little bit.

But my fellow practitioners showed me the scriptures of Li Hongzhi, it said: “In this situation, as a Dafa Disciple, you should clarify truth, reveal evils, and protect Dafa; during this process, you will improve yourself and achieve consummation”; “I feel so sorry for those not being able to stand the severe test of sufferings by covering the fact that they’re afraid with various excuses”; “are those obtaining Fa yet failing in validating Fa qualified Dafa disciples? No matter how hard they try to study and practice Fa at home, they’ve been controlled by demons and will get nothing but false enlightenment”, “the disciples stepping out are great”; “I feel so happy for the disciples stepping out to validate Fa during past year and feel happy for the Great Enlightened Beings in future; whether being detained or losing human lives due to the resolute cultivation of Dafa, they have achieved consummation”. I felt sorry to “Master” and to Data; more importantly, I would never achieve consummation if I didn’t leave home and going out. So I decided to make it up to my belief with more efforts.

Being afraid that my husband might find out my real intention, I went out at night with the excuse of doing exercises and joined local fellow practitioners. But my husband was so careful that he soon found out the real picture and didn’t allow me to leave home at night alone. Being guarded by him, I felt uncomfortable and called other practitioners. They told me: “Your husband has been controlled by demons; that’s why he interferes with your cultivation. You should send forth righteous thoughts to get rid of the evil force behind him.” I followed their advice and have sent forth righteous thoughts for a month; but nothing changed and my husband kept preventing me from practicing Falun Gong. Then my fellow practitioners sneaked in and gave me more scriptures including Great Exposure and Serious Church, which I found enlightening. For the sake of my family, I insisted on practicing at home.

But at the same time, I became more and more angry and it seemed to me that my husband was exactly the “demon” described by “Master”, for he always interfered with my Fa study and cultivation. I had to pretend doing other things while he was home with me and could only practice Falun Gong while he was gone. I felt exhausted and believed that Falun Gong did the right thing by teaching practitioners to be better people and helping them to build up health. Therefore, I targeted all angers at my husband. I remembered clearly the words by Li Hongzhi: “those interfering with Fa study are demons…the wretched demons just deserve to be killed.” So I gradually developed the thoughts of killing him. Looking at him, I sometimes had the feeling that his body was the domicile of “demon”. But I had been with him for two decades; I felt so confused that I couldn’t do it even if I tried several times. When I prepared a kitchen knife and planned to wave it at him, my husband knew nothing about it and still took good care of me as always.

It was on February 3, 2001, he went back home after work and told me about the suicidal burning incident at Tian’anmen Square. I was astonished at first but then discarded it as his lies, for Li Hongzhi said in Zhuan Falun that no practitioner should kill. It never occurred to me that the reason why those practitioners killing themselves was because they wanted to achieve consummation advocated in Towards Consummation by Li Hongzhi. At that time, I believed that my husband lied to me and that was the last straw breaking the back of the camel. Li Hongzhi said: “If the evil has already reached the point where it is unsavable and unkeepable, then various measures at different levels can be used to stop it and eradicate it…Completely eliminating the evil is for Fa-rectification, and not a matter of personal cultivation”, “those who destroy Dafa are demons and the wretched demons just deserve to be killed.” I felt that the only way for me to stick to the road of cultivation and to achieve the consummation is to get rid of the “demon”.

Having been brainwashed by various heretical ideas for a long time, I could no longer think properly and became absent-minded. In my mind, my husband interfered with my cultivation and he was so evil that the only right thing to do is to kill him and get rid of the “demon”. That day, when my husband was busy setting the table for dinner, I saw a demon of tiger in his place and waved a kitchen knife at his head. Being tripped by the dinner table, I missed the target. At seeing that I wanted to kill him, my husband got the knife from my hand by force and had no choice but to send me to a local psychotherapy clinic in March 2001.

At the clinic, I gradually recovered and, with the patient help of the staff, I started to think about why people lost their mind and even committed crimes by killing others and themselves after they practiced Falun Gong. The clinic staff analyzed the manipulating nature of opinions and ideas of Li Hongzhi aiming to achieve spiritual control of all practitioners; I realized the potential dangers and horrible consequences and became aware of the truth behind the hypnotic cultivation he advocated. I understood that it was an inevitable result that all practitioners would lose their normal thinking and reasoning capacities. If it were not that my husband sent me to the clinic in time, if it were not that the tutors at the clinic talked to me with great patience, I would have ended up like other victims of the cult, such as Guan Shuyun and Fu Yibin, and became a real murderer.

Looking back at all these makes me remorseful and sad. After I gave up Falun Gong seven years ago, I have tried my best to compensate it to my family, especially my husband whom I almost killed as a demon. It was such a nightmare at thinking about the horrible consequences of being crazy about a cult and I felt so anxious at seeing those still on the road where I used to be. I hope you would real my story carefully and make the right choice by learning a good lesson from my experience.

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